“COACHING GIRLS: Focus on Relationships”

Here is an article I submitted to CHOICE magazine’s December 2007 edition on Coaching and Youth. I have not yet heard if this will be published or not. Meanwhile, I’d like to share it with you. Sandi

“A vast difference exists between working with girls and working with boys. Adolescence exacerbates this difference as relationships take on a different meaning. Carol Gilligan was a forerunner in challenging the status quo related to gender development and research of adolescents. Simply put, boys develop their self-identity in relation to the world around them and focus on how to get ahead in that world. Girls, on the other hand, develop their identity in relationship with others and focus on maneuvering through those relationships while managing their lives (1982, In a Different Voice). Since Gilligan’s bold statements in the 1980’s, research and writings related to gender development have increased. Focusing on girls in this article does not denigrate coaching for boys. Rather than compete, it’s important that we take a gender responsive focus in coaching youth. This article focuses on girls.

This premise allows us to see its beginnings in childhood. Young boys are often seen in competitive play with the goal of winning. Young girls are often seen changing the rules of whatever game is being played, so that everyone wins or that no one actually ‘wins’ the game.

In puberty girls are seen as forgoing their own identity (and voice) in order to maintain relationships they deem important. If their own identity is interconnected with another’s view of them, it’s easier to understand their confusion. Girls receive many mixed messages about who they “should” be; often contradictory. For example: From parents and teachers the messages they hear may center on being “good” (quite, compliant, responsible). Peers send differing messages about being “fun”. Boys and the media often send messages about dress or actions that are contradictory to parental expectations. This confusion often prevents honest communication due to fear (of acceptance, of being ridiculed or ignored). In an attempt to figure out who they are, girls commonly will ‘try on’ different personalities depending on whom they wish to influence. The resulting identity confusion often causes them to silence their true voice.

Girls often want to be in relationship with you (as an influential adult), and may not voice what they really think, feel or believe until they understand your expectations and acceptance of them. This power imbalance becomes precariously dangerous if we as important adults are not aware of this influence. Adults can inadvertently cause harm to girls by making suggestions that create even more confusion or doubt about themselves. Adults in authority often tell girls who they can and cannot have as friends (or date). As coaches, we are not the authority. The beauty of coaching is that we need not convince girls of anything; we help them find and to speak their inner voice in order to move forward.

Coaching is vital for adolescent girls. Coaching (more so than counseling or advice giving) helps girls to find their own voice. Asking powerful questions and inquiries, assists girls in developing a stronger inner voice based on what they really do think and believe, rather than another’s expectations. Because relationships are so powerful for girls, a coach can ask questions related to important relationships. By helping her clarify her needs and values, she can honestly look at each relationship to see which meet her needs and match her values. Girls often have relationships that meet some of their needs (ie: attention/love), but do not match their values (ie: respect/independence). By exploring relationships in a non-judgmental manner that discerns her needs and values, a coach can support this process as she moves towards healthier relationships.

When a girl is in ‘crisis’, there is almost always a relationship issue at the heart of the matter. Adults typically tell a girl what to do or give advice. Coaches can ask questions related to her relationships to help her identify the core relationship issue. Knowing which relationships can support her emotionally through the crisis is critically important. By recognizing and addressing those relationship issues, the crisis is more clearly defined and therefore more easily calmed. The non-judgmental relationship with a good coach can help a girl assess important relationships and learn how to stay connected, without sacrificing her own well-being.

Coaching girls is a challenging and rewarding experience. Girls need coaches who want to be ‘in relationship’ with them, as they explore and pass through adolescence. A girls’ coach has healthy boundaries, is a good listener, and is in it for the long run. This co-creative relationship (rather than authoritarian) is empowering, and can be the key to fostering healthy development. A coach with a good ear, powerful questions and a willingness to explore the inner world of her relationships non-judgmentally is one of the best gifts that we can give a teenage girl.”

© 2007 Sandi Lindgren